Been thinking about performing at the Dry Bar Comedy Club in Provo, Utah. I could open with…

How ya doin’

Who all’s here from the Witness Protection Program?

Nobody? Or you’re not saying?

I thought Provo would be the perfect place for that. In fact, isn’t that how it got started? Didn’t the first Mormons relocate here after that kerfuffle in the Illinois Mormon War? That means… y’all are here under the Witness Protection Program!

OK, shhhh — I won’t tell anyone. I’m hearing some nervous laughter. Don’t worry, I won’t give away your secret. But after all this time, I don’t think anyone will care who you really are, your real names, where you were from.

Actually, I’m considering the Program myself. I’m really a CPA, traveling as a comedian, scouting out locations where I want to settle — for when it comes time for me to “vanish,” if you know what I mean.

I’m fully trained as a Certified Public Accountant. I’ve got an MBA a Doctorate in Business Administration, but my girlfriend is the daughter of a mob boss in Chicago, and I know that when we get married… he’s gonna want his new son-in-law to do the books.

And you know how that turns out.

Yup, someday I’m gonna have to RE-LO-CATE.

When the FBI comes a knockin’ and Dear Old Dad is going to jail…

Yeah, the wife and kids and me gotta vanish.

But, that’s way down the road. In the meantime, here I am, posing as a comedian… in Provo.

I figured, if I’m really serious about my girl, I gotta put my financial career on hold, learn some jokes, and go on the road.

I like to look ahead, you know. Suss out the land, plan our future home.

Look, it’s inevitable — me being an accountant. Once I’m in the Family, I’ll have to work for HIM.

And I don’t think he’ll want a comedian. There aren’t too many openings for Court Jester in the Syndicate.

Like, what do you call a meeting between the rival mobs of General Custer and Sitting Bull? A ker-POW-wow.

Or, what’s the difference between “Good Boy” and “Good Fellas”?

One’s a family movie and the other is a movie about The Family.

No, I’m sure Pops won’t have any openings for a comedian. He’ll want me to cook the books — and there’s nothing funny about that.

So, if I do decide to settle here, I’ll have a different name. And I’m sure I can trust you to tell you that [whispers] we’ll be the ones wearing fake noses and glasses. But pretend you don’t know me. I’ll see you in a few years.

OK, that’s it for me, you’ve been great! Thank you,



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